How to Not Embarrass Yourself at Fantasy Football

Let me tell you about the worst day of my life. Okay, not the worst worst. But the worst day that involved a spreadsheet and a man named Saquon Barkley.

It was 2019. My college buddy Greg texted the group chat: "Starting a fantasy league, buy-in is $50, you in?" I said yes immediately because I am physically incapable of turning down anything competitive, even when I have absolutely no idea what I'm getting into. I had watched exactly enough football to know what a touchdown was and that the Cowboys always found creative new ways to disappoint people. That was the full extent of my football knowledge.

Six months later, I finished dead last. My punishment was wearing a custom t-shirt to Greg's Super Bowl party that read "I Lost to Kevin's Auto-Draft Team." Kevin didn't even set his lineup. He forgot about the league entirely by Week 3, and his auto-generated roster — which included a player who had been traded mid-season — still beat me by forty points over the course of the year.

So yeah. I've been where you are. And I'm here to make sure you don't end up where I was.

What Even Is Fantasy Football, Actually

If you've never done this before, here's the deal: you and a group of people (usually 10 or 12) each draft a roster of real NFL players. Every week, those players score points based on what they do in their actual games — touchdowns, yards, receptions, that kind of thing. You go head-to-head against one other team in your league each week, and whoever's players scored more points wins. Do this for 14-ish weeks, and the top teams make the playoffs. Win the playoffs, win the league, talk about it for the rest of the year at every gathering until people stop inviting you to things.

Most leagues run on ESPN, Yahoo, or Sleeper. ESPN and Yahoo have been around forever and work fine. Sleeper is the newer one with the slicker interface and the better chat features, which matters more than you'd think because about 40% of fantasy football is actually just roasting each other in a group chat.

The scoring varies by league. In standard scoring, running backs who run a lot are kings. In PPR (points per reception), guys who catch a lot of short passes suddenly become very valuable. Ask your commissioner what scoring format you're using before the draft. This is critical. I cannot stress this enough. My first year I prepared for standard scoring and the league was half-PPR and I drafted like I was building a team in 2004.

The Draft: Where Heroes Are Made and Fools Are Exposed

The draft is the single most important night of your fantasy season. It's also the most fun. It's like the NFL Draft except everyone is drinking beer on a couch and there's no Roger Goodell to boo.

Here are the things you absolutely need to know:

Don't draft a kicker before the last round. I don't care how much you love Justin Tucker. I don't care if he's the greatest kicker in NFL history. Kickers score like 7-12 points a week and they're mostly interchangeable. Drafting one in Round 8 is the fantasy equivalent of buying a car based on the cup holders. You take a kicker dead last, and honestly, you could stream a different one every week and be fine.

Don't draft a defense early either. Same logic. Defenses are unpredictable week to week, and the difference between the #1 defense and the #10 defense at the end of the season is often like 2 points per game. Take one in the second-to-last round, or just stream the best matchup each week.

Don't draft your favorite team's entire roster. I know a guy — I won't use his real name but let's call him Mike because his name is Mike — who drafted three Bears players in his first five picks because "he knew their offense." The Bears' offense that year was about as explosive as a damp sparkler. Being a fan of a team does not mean their players are good at fantasy football. Be cold. Be ruthless. Draft the Packers running back even if it makes you feel dirty.

Running backs go early. In most formats, the elite running backs are the most valuable commodity. There are only a handful of guys who get 20+ touches a game and also catch passes. If you're picking in the top five, you're probably taking a running back. Christian McCaffrey, Bijan Robinson, Breece Hall, Saquon Barkley — these are the names that go first because there's a massive drop-off after the top tier. Miss the elite running backs and you'll be scrambling all year.

Wide receivers are deep, but the top ones are special. Guys like Ja'Marr Chase, CeeDee Lamb, and Amon-Ra St. Brown put up numbers that are essentially running back-level. The good news is there are way more usable wide receivers than running backs, so you can often find good ones in later rounds. Don't panic if you don't get an elite one early.

Quarterback can wait. This is counterintuitive because in real football, the quarterback is the most important player. In fantasy, there are 32 starting quarterbacks and you only need one. The difference between QB5 and QB12 is small enough that you can wait until Round 7 or 8 and grab someone like Jalen Hurts or Lamar Jackson after you've loaded up on running backs and receivers. Unless it's a two-QB or Superflex league — then quarterbacks are gold and the whole draft changes.

My best draft advice: have a list of players ranked by position, know your league's scoring format, and be flexible. Don't go in saying "I'm getting Tyreek Hill no matter what." Go in saying "I know the tier of players I want in each round and I'll take whoever's available." The guys who win leagues are the ones who adjust on the fly when their target gets snagged one pick before them.

The Waiver Wire: Where Seasons Are Actually Won

Here's what nobody tells the new guy: your draft matters, but the waiver wire matters almost as much. The waiver wire is the pool of undrafted players who are available for pickup throughout the season. Every Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning, depending on your league's settings), you can claim players that other people didn't draft or have dropped.

This is where the magic happens. Every single year, players come out of absolutely nowhere. In 2023, Puka Nacua went undrafted in most leagues and finished as a top-15 receiver. De'Von Achane got picked up off waivers in tons of leagues and became a league-winning weapon. These are the pickups that turn a mediocre team into a contender.

My single greatest fantasy moment was grabbing James Conner off waivers in 2018, the week Le'Veon Bell's holdout started looking permanent. I put in a claim, got him, and he carried my team to the championship. I still bring it up at least twice a year. My friends are tired of hearing about it. I will not stop.

Check the waiver wire religiously. Watch who's getting increased snaps. Pay attention to injuries — when a starter goes down, the backup often becomes a must-add. Set your alarm for waiver processing time. The difference between a playoff team and a last-place team is often just who's paying attention on Tuesday nights.

Trading: The Art of Convincing Someone They're Getting a Good Deal

Fantasy trading is beautiful because it's one of the few areas of life where you can openly try to rip off your friends and everyone accepts it as part of the game.

The key to trading is understanding what other people need. If someone's running backs are decimated by injuries and you've got depth at the position, you can trade your RB3 for their WR2. You're not losing much, they're desperate, and both of you walk away thinking you won. That's the best kind of trade.

A few rules: never trade just to trade. I've seen guys make trades because they were bored and wanted to "shake things up." That's how you end up trading away a guy who scores 25 points the next week while the guy you got sits on your bench with a hamstring injury. Also, don't be the person who sends insulting offers. We all know that trade where someone offers you their WR4 and their backup tight end for your first-round pick. That's not a trade offer, that's a hostage negotiation where you're the hostage.

The best traders in fantasy are the ones who watch other teams' rosters as carefully as their own. Know who's struggling at which position. Know who has a brutal bye week coming up. Then make a move that looks fair but secretly benefits you more. It's not dishonest. It's gamesmanship. And it's beautiful.

Common Mistakes That Will Get You Roasted

Starting a player on a bye week. Every NFL team gets one week off during the season. If your player isn't playing, he scores zero points. Check your lineup every single week. There is no shame worse than losing because you started a guy who wasn't even in a stadium.

Holding onto your draft picks too long. Just because you drafted someone in Round 4 doesn't mean they deserve a roster spot in Week 10. If they're not producing, cut them. I once held onto a disappointing Allen Robinson for twelve weeks because I'd spent a high pick on him. Sunk cost fallacy will murder your fantasy season.

Chasing last week's points. Some guy on the waiver wire scored 30 points last week? Cool. Was it because he's actually good, or because he got two garbage-time touchdowns against the worst defense in the league? Context matters. Don't blow your waiver priority on a one-week wonder.

Ignoring the playoffs. Fantasy playoffs usually run Weeks 15-17. If you're in contention, start thinking about your playoff schedule now. Does your star quarterback have a brutal matchup in Week 16? Maybe you need a backup plan. The teams that win championships are the ones thinking two weeks ahead while everyone else is just reacting.

Let's be honest about something. Fantasy football is only partly about football. It's mostly about having a structured excuse to talk trash to your friends for five months straight.

The group chat is the beating heart of any league. This is where you celebrate your wins with maximum arrogance. This is where you console yourself after losses with excuses so elaborate they could be doctoral theses. "I would've won if the refs hadn't called that holding penalty that negated the 40-yard touchdown that would've given my receiver three more points." Sure, buddy.

Trash talk is expected — encouraged, even. But know the line. Making fun of someone's terrible trade? Fair game. Bringing up their actual real-life problems to explain why they're bad at fantasy? Too far. Read the room. The best trash talkers are specific and creative. Don't just say "your team sucks." Say "your running back averaged fewer yards per carry than my grandmother averaged steps per hour on her Fitbit last Sunday."

And then there's the last-place punishment. Every good league has one. I've seen last-place teams forced to take the SAT as a full adult and post their score. I've seen guys have to spend 24 hours in a Waffle House where they get one additional hour added every waffle they eat. I've seen a man get a tattoo of the winner's face on his calf. The punishment is the engine that keeps everyone trying all season, even when they're 2-8. Nobody wants to be the guy eating his ninth waffle at 3am with an extra nine hours on the clock.

The Obsession Phase

I should warn you: fantasy football has a way of consuming your life. It starts innocently. You check your score on Sunday afternoon. Then you're refreshing every five minutes. Then you're watching the Thursday Night Football game between two teams you don't care about because your tight end is playing and you need 6.2 more points. Then you're reading analysis articles at midnight on a Tuesday. Then you're listening to fantasy podcasts on your commute. Then you're watching film breakdowns of a rookie wide receiver's route tree.

Before you know it, you're the guy yelling at a TV in a bar because a running back you've never met caught a pass you needed for your season. You've become that person. It's glorious.

If you really want to feed the obsession, go watch some sports documentaries that'll give you way too much emotional attachment to athletes you're going to draft. Nothing makes you overvalue a player like watching a 90-minute film about their childhood.

You Will Lose. It Will Be Unjust. This Is Fine.

Fantasy football is, at its core, deeply unfair. You can make every right decision — start the right guys, work the waiver wire, make smart trades — and still lose because your opponent's third-string wide receiver caught a meaningless 70-yard touchdown with two minutes left on Monday Night Football. You'll sit there watching it happen, alone on your couch, and you will feel a kind of rage that is completely disproportionate to the stakes.

This is normal. This is the experience. Some of the greatest sports moments ever happened because someone nobody believed in pulled off the impossible — and in fantasy football, that happens every single week, usually against you.

My second year playing, I lost in the championship game by 0.4 points because Patrick Mahomes threw an interception on the last drive of Monday Night Football. If he'd thrown one fewer interception — one! — I would've won the whole league. Instead I got second place and a group chat full of people sending me crying emoji for a month straight.

I've never fully recovered. But I signed up again the next year, and the year after that, and every year since. Because that's the thing about fantasy football — the lows are genuinely painful and the highs are completely absurd and the whole thing is way more fun than it has any right to be.

So go ahead. Join the league. Read a few mock drafts. Download the Sleeper app. Set your lineup. Talk some trash. And whatever you do, don't draft a kicker before Round 14.

You're going to be fine. Probably.